Old People

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Old People

Postby mrs chamberlain » Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:00 am

Think about all the problems this would bring on !!!!! lol j

Childbirth
at 65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!

With
all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May
I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not
yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first.'

Thirty
minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby
now?'

'No,
not yet,' She said.

After
another few minutes had elapsed,

I
asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No,
not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told
me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he
CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT
HIM,O.K.?!!'
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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:05 am

Heard recently at an AARP Rally.....

"WHAT DO WE WANT????"
"A CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S!!!"
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT???"
"WHEN DO WE WANT WHAT???" :cheer:
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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:15 am

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:22 am

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the fucking jar open!"

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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:41 am

Why do they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes?

So they don't roll out of bed.

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Re: Old People

Postby mrs chamberlain » Sat Aug 08, 2015 9:52 pm

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:57 pm

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Gun Store

Postby Walt » Sun Oct 25, 2015 5:23 pm

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
:omfg: :doh:
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The Bartender

Postby Walt » Wed Nov 25, 2015 3:28 am

An elderly golfer comes in after a round of golf at a new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the clubhouse.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sunburnt golfers.

She glides along behind the bar to the senior golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide smile. “May I help you, sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers: “I was wondering young lady - are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his knowing eyes and with a grin purrs: “Yes sir I sure am.”

He leans even closer and into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I'd like a cheeseburger.”
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Re: Old People

Postby Walt » Tue Dec 15, 2015 12:46 pm

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...
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