Irish Jokes

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Irish Jokes

Postby Walt » Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:59 am

Q: What's white and flies across the English Channel?
A: Lord Mountbatten's tennis shoes.

Q: What do you call the day when all the Irish skip work and spend the day drinking?
A: Tuesday.


Q: What's two miles long and has the I.Q. of 12?
A: The Boston Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

For years and years and years my Dear Father put money in his IRA, and for years and years and years I told him "Put your money in a fucking bank".

Q:How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A:None.
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Postby Walt » Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:40 pm

St Patrick - the patron saint of pissing in doorways.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. She fed a crowd at a
moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when She was dead, She had to get up because there was still work to do
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Postby Walt » Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:41 pm

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
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Postby Walt » Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:00 pm

Muslim fundamentalists have got to be the shitiest terrorists in history.
Even the fuckin' Irish worked out you could walk away from a bomb before it blows up!

Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"

Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"

Woman: "I had to help him."



What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

Paddy and Murphy are out in the Irish countryside shooting pheasants when, all of a sudden, a black guy appears overhead in a hang-glider. Paddy and Murphy immediately open fire trying to blow holes out of it. The hang-glider turns away and Murphy turns to Paddy and says, "what the fuck was that?!"

"Don't know," replies Paddy, "but whatever it was, it wasn't letting go of that nigger!"


Why is James Bond portrayed as English when he is clearly Irish?
He drinks, he gambles and his real name is Double O'Seven.

What do you call six pints of Guinness and a potato?
An Irish 7 course meal.
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Postby Walt » Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:02 pm

Where does an Irish family go on holiday?

A different pub.
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Postby Walt » Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:08 pm

'Mick, who did you vote for in the presidential elections?'
'I voted for that Irish fellow'
'Who's that?'
'Barry O' Bama' :lmao:
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Postby Walt » Sun Mar 03, 2013 12:29 pm

Why did the Irish build the Titanic?
They knew that the English would be riding on it.
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