Jokes About Women

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Postby Walt » Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:31 pm

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.
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Postby Walt » Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:43 pm

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:49 am

How you know when love fades?

I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the
kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"



I said: "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said: "Fuck You. I was talking to the cat."
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Postby Walt » Sun Oct 17, 2010 5:35 am

An "elderly" lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

Postby Walt » Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:32 am

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 21, 2011 11:20 am

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
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Postby Walt » Thu Apr 28, 2011 10:29 am

What do you call a woman that will not cook?
Broken.
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Postby Walt » Thu May 05, 2011 11:42 pm

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC
-------------------------------------------------- -
Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!

Signed, Abby
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Postby Walt » Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:25 am

Do women who give bad blow jobs really suck?
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Postby Walt » Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:53 am

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ....
she's 21 and her name's Candy.

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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Postby Walt » Wed Sep 26, 2012 5:42 am

I like my women how I like my pizza

Cut into pieces and shoved in a box.
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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:23 pm

Why can't women drive?

There's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
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Postby Walt » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:46 am

Surveys say that 80% of all women are battered.
But I still like to eat mine plain.
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Postby Walt » Mon Jul 01, 2013 9:45 pm

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
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Re: Jokes About Women

Postby Walt » Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:12 pm

Al Bundy's Best Insults

Fuck it, click here.
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