Jokes About Women

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Jokes About Women

Postby Walt » Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:52 pm

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.
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Postby Walt » Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:58 pm

Q:What is worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who does not do what she's told.
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:04 am

Why did God create yeast infections?

So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.


Why did cavemen drag women by the hair after knocking them unconscious before sex?

Because if they dragged them by their feet they'd fill up with dirt.
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:07 am

A 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also 54, informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must realize that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18.
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Postby Human » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:08 pm

Why are women's feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
What the Fuck are you looking at?
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Postby Walt » Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:50 pm

Helpful Woman

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading
her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever
more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."
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Postby Walt » Wed Dec 12, 2007 3:31 am

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 17, 2008 12:26 pm

SAME OLD BULL

My wife and I went to the fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Postby Walt » Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:43 am

What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.

[Ed. Note: Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.]
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Postby Walt » Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:52 am

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Postby Walt » Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:53 am

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Postby Walt » Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:35 am

I see a lot of women are using this site....

The dinner won't cook itself you know.
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Girls Night Out

Postby Walt » Thu May 01, 2008 10:24 am

Two women friends had gone out for a Ladies Night Out, and had been alittle overly-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Horribly drunk, while walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive set of undergarments and didn’t want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they staggered their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn ladies nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”


“That’s nothing,” said the other husband. “My wife came home with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,




‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you!’
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A PERFECT MARRIAGE

Postby Walt » Sun May 25, 2008 6:53 am

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
Toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
To sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
For the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.



11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?


I love it........these were the good old days
When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless'
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Postby Human » Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:10 pm

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------------- -------------------------! --
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------- --------------- ------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
What the Fuck are you looking at?
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