Jokes About Women

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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:42 pm

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the lane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel ike a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
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Postby Walt » Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:36 am

Q: What does a gamer call the woman he divorced?
A: The ex-box.
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Postby Walt » Sun Jul 06, 2008 9:02 am

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.".

Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

-Winston Churchill
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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:40 am

ECON 101 - Renting versus Purchasing


Worth considering....if only Sir Paul had known


The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:





After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex
every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him

$26,849 per time.



This is Heather.

Image




On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute
stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For

anything!




This is Kristen.

Image




Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid
$7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of
$41.7 million).



Value-added benefits are:

A 22 year old hot babe

No coaxing required

Never a headache

Plays all requests

Ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!)

No bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists



Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask
her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.


Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:07 am

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

(Don't try this at home...)

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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Hair Removal

Postby Walt » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:37 am

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.......



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix

dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'



So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.



No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)



So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!



OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!



I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.



With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.



Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!



I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!



Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.



I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal



I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!



There's no hair on it.



Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???



Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.



I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.



Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!



I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.



My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?



Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???



*WRONG!!!!!!!*



I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.



Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.



So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!



I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'



There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.



She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'



She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.



YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.



While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.



What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!



It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.



Next week I'm going to try hair color
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Postby Walt » Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:45 am

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.



He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.



One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.



As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.



As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"



The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up He said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Postby Walt » Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:25 am

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.
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WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

Postby Walt » Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:58 pm

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I’m afraid I can’t," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
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Postby Walt » Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:05 pm

The Ladies Room

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Postby Walt » Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:47 am

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."



To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"



"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"



"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."



So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.



They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"



"There's no friggin’ problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"



"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
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Postby Walt » Tue Nov 11, 2008 9:38 pm

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Postby Walt » Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:24 am

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Postby Walt » Fri Nov 21, 2008 11:20 am

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Postby Walt » Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:05 pm

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland

in Cork and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish

customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.



The robber shoots the guy in the head without

hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has

seen him.


One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber

walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is

very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.



There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent,

looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ...'
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