Jokes About Men

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Jokes About Men

Postby Walt » Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:57 pm

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Why do men prefer women with big tits and tight pussies?

Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:00 am

If a tree fell in the forest and there was no one to hear it, would there be a sound? I don't know, but we can debate that.

If a man was in the forest would he be wrong?

Hell yes and he better have a good explanation for being in the forest.
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:01 am

Q; Why are blond jokes so short?
A: It's the most men can remember.
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:15 am

A husband came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
"See," the wife said to the man beside her, "I told you he was stupid."
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Postby Walt » Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:45 pm

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"



"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."



And they say blondes are dumb!

_______________________

A couple is lying in bed... The man says, "I am going to make you the

happiest woman in the world"



The woman says, "I'll miss you."

_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of

the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed

the lawn like this?"



"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



He said-"Since I first laid eyes on you, I have

wanted to make love to you really badly."



She said - "Well, you succeeded."

______________________

He said-"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"



She said-"That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on

the sofa and fart."

_______________________

He said-"What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"



She said-"Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A: A rumor
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Postby Walt » Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:56 am

Husband:"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

Wife:"What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"


Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
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Postby Walt » Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:50 pm

Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can't stand criticism.
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Postby Walt » Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:47 am

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead!!
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Postby Walt » Thu May 08, 2008 10:25 am

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged woman said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love
all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and
mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazy boy, grabbed the TV
controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
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From D. Mills

Postby fourlages » Sat May 10, 2008 9:11 pm

Guts or Balls...


There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

:mrgreen:
"I would rather have a lucky general than a smart general ... They win battles, and they make me lucky." Dwight D. Eisenhower
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Postby Walt » Wed May 14, 2008 2:11 am

She Has a Boyfriend

I had a hard time deciding whether to put this in Jokes about Men or Jokes about Women. Where should I put it?

Click here
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Postby Walt » Wed May 21, 2008 7:41 am

Image
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Postby Walt » Fri May 23, 2008 6:57 am

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man
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Postby Walt » Sun May 25, 2008 11:57 am

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
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Postby fourlages » Wed Jun 11, 2008 3:28 pm

Karl T. writes:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good
memory. I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom
factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
"don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing
on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too
small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many
men still sleep with their wives!!!
:jerry:
We Are Born Naked, Wet And Hungry
Then Things Get Worse.
"I would rather have a lucky general than a smart general ... They win battles, and they make me lucky." Dwight D. Eisenhower
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