Jokes About Men

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Postby Walt » Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:07 am

Did you hear about the woman who left her husband for a lesbian?
It wasn't much of a change in her life because she'd already lived 10 years with a pussy.
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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:18 am

The Parrot

Image


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi, Keith!' .
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Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns

Postby Walt » Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:49 am

Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady in
a compromising position. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make out
that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her
rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our
house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately
began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free
when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed
and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get
through to him anymore.Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Susie Fox









Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .I hope this helps.

Ted
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Postby Walt » Sun Aug 24, 2008 11:00 pm

<object width='448' height='336'><param name='movie' value='http://www.glumbert.com/embed/menlook'></param><param name='wmode' value='opaque'><param name='allowFullScreen' value='true'></param><embed src='http://www.glumbert.com/embed/menlook' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' wmode='transparent' allowFullScreen='true' width='448' height='336'></embed></object><div><a href='http://www.glumbert.com/media/menlook'>glumbert - Ladies, do men really look like this?</a></div>
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Postby Walt » Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:09 am

Image
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Postby Walt » Sun Sep 07, 2008 5:45 am

Will You Buy Wine?

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.


I looked in my purse, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'


'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.


'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.


'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'


'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.


'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'


'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'


The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'


I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
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Postby Walt » Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:05 am

SEXY PASSWORD


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and

at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would

now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and

will use each time he has to log on.



The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he

would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it

plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in ...



P ...



E ...



N ...



I ...



S ...



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer

replied:



PASSWORD REJECTED ... NOT LONG ENOUGH
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Postby Walt » Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:22 pm

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?

They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?

Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.
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Postby Walt » Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:29 pm

If Men Were In Charge of Weddings
(or "the reason they're not...")

There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony."

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think Dear? The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of BBQ.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 08, 2008 6:42 pm

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 08, 2008 6:43 pm

>> A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
>> He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of
>> Six'
>> in spite of her objections.
>>
>> One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go
>> home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
>> shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
>>
>> His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
>> back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
>> (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 08, 2008 6:46 pm

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

>> THE SILENT TREATMENT
>> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
>> each other the silent treatment.
>> Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to
>> wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
>> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
>> a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew
>> she would find it.
>> The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
>> had missed his flight.
>>
>> Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when
>> he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.
>> Wake
>> up.'
>>
>> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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Postby Walt » Wed Nov 19, 2008 7:56 am

Subject: FW: REQUEST DENIED

YOUR E-HARMONY APPLICATION




My Dear Friend,



Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially rejected.



One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'



'My dick' is not an appropriate answer!



Thank you for your interest.
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Postby Walt » Fri Nov 21, 2008 11:19 am

Image
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Postby Walt » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:14 am

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

1. A mink in the closet.
2. A jaguar in the garage.
3. A tiger in the bedroom.
4. And an ass to pay for it all.
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