Jokes About Men

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Postby Walt » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:28 am

How Men and Women Change the Oil



Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a
check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container
is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total
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Postby Walt » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:30 am

Why Men Stand and Pee



Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms' . . ."
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Postby Walt » Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:35 am

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?








HUSBAND:


Definitely not!








WIFE:


Why not - don't you like being married?








HUSBAND:


Of course I do.








WIFE:


Then why wouldn't you remarry?








HUSBAND:


Okay, I'd get married again.








WIFE:


You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).








HUSBAND:


(Makes audible groan).








WIFE:


Would you live in our house?








HUSBAND:


Sure, it's a great house.








WIFE:


Would you sleep with her in our bed?








HUSBAND:


Where else would we sleep?








WIFE:


Would you let her drive my car?








HUSBAND:


Probably, it is almost new.








WIFE:


Would you replace my pictures with hers?








HUSBAND:


That would seem like the proper thing to do.








WIFE:


Would she use my golf clubs?








HUSBAND:


No, she's left-handed.








WIFE:


- silence - -








HUSBAND:


Fuck ....
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Postby Walt » Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:10 am

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
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Postby Walt » Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:10 am

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:19 pm

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......."
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Postby Walt » Fri Feb 20, 2009 9:21 am

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.
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Postby Walt » Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:48 pm

A woman was screaming profanities at her husband while in labor...

He said "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ASS! But you said, 'No that MIGHT hurt!'!
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Postby Walt » Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:54 pm

My wife and I are watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 08, 2010 11:02 pm

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well,

Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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Postby Walt » Wed Jan 13, 2010 10:30 am

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Postby Walt » Wed Mar 24, 2010 6:33 am

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."



The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five inch-er before and get a nine inch-er now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine inch-er before and you decide to only invest in a five inch-er now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."



The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"



"Yes I have," says the man..



"And has she helped you make a decision?"



"Yes" says the man.



"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite counter tops."
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Good jokes.

Postby cdpjudith » Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:26 am

Good jokes. They read like fast one liners...that's fun from time to time. Thanks.
Sister Judy
Live simply so that others may simply live. Elizabeth Ann Seton.
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Postby Walt » Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:42 pm

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Postby Walt » Thu Sep 16, 2010 5:50 am

How you know when love fades?

I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the
kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"



I said: "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said: "Fuck You. I was talking to the cat."
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