Little Girl Jokes

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Little Girl Jokes

Postby Walt » Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:19 pm

The former First Graders were trying to become accustomed to second grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no more baby talk.

"You need to use grownup words," she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana," Wendy said. "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo", he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words!"

She turned to Rosie and asked what she had done. "I read a book," she replied. "That's wonderful," said the teacher. "What book did you read?"

Rosie thought about it, then puffed out her chest with great pride and answered,

"Winnie the Shit."


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire-fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner" the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said...."Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

For her birthday, little Rosie asked for a bicycle. His father said, "Dear, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Rosie heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Sweetheart, where are you going?" Little Rosie told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the Human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them, gems-in- the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project >mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account in her name.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a- bitches at Lowe's ever bring us any fuckin drywall that's worth a shit!"

A kindergarten pupil told her teacher she'd found a cat. He asked her if it was dead or alive. "Dead." He was informed. "How do you know?"he asked his pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the girl, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small girl is sent to bed by her father.
Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose daughter was always getting into mischief, finally asked her, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The girl thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Rosie, come in or stay out!'"

Rosie's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Rosie's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, Rosie's dad had a talk with her and explained that the baby had no ears. Her dad also told him that if she so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word, "ears", she would get the spanking of her life when they came back home. Rosie told her dad she understood completely.

When Rosie looked into the crib she said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Rosie."

Rosie said, "She has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can she see?" asked Rosie.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said she will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Rosie, "cuz she'd be shit outta luck if she needed glasses."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her daughter into bed. She was about to turn off the light when she asked with a tremor in her voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave her a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by her shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little girl was doing her math homework. She said to herself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." Her mother heard what she was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little girl answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," she answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my daughter in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

An elderly man was looking over his fence and saw the neighbor's four year old daughter sobbing uncontrollably and digging furiously. "Why are you crying,child?", asked the old man. "My goldfish died and I'm burying him.", replied the little girl. "That's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, sweetheart", the man said. The little girl replied,"That's because it's in your fucking cat!"

NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand the intercom!"


Three year old,Rosie and her Dad are enjoying a "Dad and Daughter Day". They go to the mall and Dad get's her a giant chocolate chip cookie. She is still eating the cookie when Dad goes to get a haircut. Rosie patiently nibbles away at the cookie watching the barber cut her Dad's hair.
"You're going to get hair on your cookie, little girl." says the barber.
"Yeah", replies Rosie, "Mom says I'll get tits too."
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Postby Walt » Thu May 15, 2008 9:16 am

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And, before he
could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.
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Postby Walt » Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:40 pm

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Rosie. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Rosie to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Rosie did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Rosie for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Rosie quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
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Postby Walt » Sun Feb 07, 2010 6:51 pm

A new fourth grade teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Rosie stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Rosie?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Rosie attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as her father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Rosie asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' Her father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Rosie, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
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Postby Walt » Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:11 pm

Little Rosie comes home from 1st grade & tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.




'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint,
and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?




Rosie's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think
God would get mad... Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'






'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.




'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.




'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he
might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit.




And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them,
and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'



Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
with new found pride. 'Rosie, that's the most wonderful
thing I have ever heard..'




'I know, '
Rosie says, 'and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could shoot the fucker.'
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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:51 am

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

Rosie was
talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The Rosie stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

Rosie said,"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?"

Rosie replied,"Then
you ask him."




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing.. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."





A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little girl (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."




One day Rosie was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"







The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."





A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little girl shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."





I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Postby Walt » Wed May 05, 2010 10:07 pm

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.







He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.


"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.


"They're mating," her father replied..


"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.


"That is a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.


"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.


As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."


The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that behavior in Texas ."
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Postby Walt » Thu May 06, 2010 12:19 am

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Postby Walt » Sat Jun 12, 2010 8:52 pm

Little Rosie got lost at the shopping mall..........

She approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my Mom"

The guard asked, "What's her name?"

Rosie answers, "Barbara."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's she like?"

She hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tits."
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Postby Walt » Mon Apr 25, 2011 5:35 am

A few months after her parents were divorced, Little Rosie
Passed by her mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
Body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, she saw her doing this several
Times. One day, she came home from school and heard her moaning.
When she peeked into her bedroom, she saw a man on top of her.
Little Rosie ran into her room, took off her clothes, threw
herself on her bed, started stroking herself, and moaning,

"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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Postby Walt » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:15 am

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her daughter, Rosie playing with her toy bus in the living room.

She heard Rosie say, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on get your asses on the bus 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours.
When you come out you may play with your toy. But I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, Rosie comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing. Soon, her mother heard her say,"All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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