Jokes

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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 30, 2009 11:04 pm

Howdy....Think about this the next time someone says
TRY IT YOU'LL LIKE IT...
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...
Sometimes the bull wins.'
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Postby Walt » Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:16 am

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!
Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.
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Postby Walt » Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:42 am

The Economy is so bad...

1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
10. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are
starving in the US ?"
11. Motel Six won't leave the light on.
12. The Mafia is laying off judges.
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Postby Walt » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:01 am

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
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Postby Walt » Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:28 am

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Postby Walt » Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:15 pm

Women Are So Touchy!

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them
and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white
at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with
my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!' "

"I don't remember much after that ..."
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Postby Walt » Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:57 am

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad
home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, "he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
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Postby Walt » Thu Oct 15, 2009 11:41 am

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair.



The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
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Postby Walt » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:19 am

WRONG NUMBER



(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”
:shock:
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 14, 2009 1:01 am

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time." The other says, "why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray.
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Postby Walt » Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:25 am

A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered
whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask
him a few questions. Finally they located him, and the conversation
went like this:


Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?


- Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim anymore
or jump from branch to branch.


- What about Jane, Tarzan?


- Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer and doesn't know
who I am anymore.


- What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?


- Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to
school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a
favor.


- That's sad Tarzan. What about Cheetah. Have you heard anything
about her?


- Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and
is now living at the White House.
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:44 am

This is a true story.

I came home from work one day. When I arrived home, I was surprised to see my son sitting on the couch watching tv. I asked what he was doing home? He replied, “I got suspended today” as his eyes started to fill with tears. I said, “for what?” He replied quietly “for fightin’.”
(now my son is some-what of a geek. In a good way of course. He knows more about computers and gadgets then making friends and social events. He is also some-what overweight).

Out of curiosity I asked, “Did ya win?” His eyes filled with tears as he looked down at the floor and softly said “no.” He continued to fill in the blanks of the story. He mentioned that some older kids from school tease him a lot. And one kid in particular, started calling him “fatty”, “tubby”, “porky”, and so on. So I said, “Did ya punch him?” My son, still looking at the floor said “no, I never even touched him.” “Then why were you suspended?” I asked. He slowly looked me in the eyes and said, “because of what I said to him.”

I suddenly found myself on the edge of my seat wondering what the hell could he have said that would’ve gotten him suspended. So I insistently said, “well? What did you say?” He smiled and asked “promise I won’t get in trouble for telling you? I already told mom when she picked me up from school and she said I shouldn’t use that kind of language and she would deal with me when she got home.” I quickly said “well, if your mom already is going to deal with you, then I won’t have to… so what’cha say?”

He again smiled and held his head high and sat up straight, he looked at me and said “I asked the kid if he wanted to know why I was so fat? I told him that every time I fucked his mamma, she made me a sandwich.”
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Postby Walt » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:40 am

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found
that a receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least
one capital.
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Postby Walt » Wed Feb 17, 2010 12:06 am

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon.

As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."
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Lindsey Vonn has been stripped of her Gold Medal

Postby Walt » Mon Mar 08, 2010 6:32 am

Lindsey Vonn has been stripped of her Gold Medal - the Medal was given to Barack Obama when it was determined that he was going downhill faster than she was.
:wink:
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