Jokes

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Postby Walt » Thu May 15, 2008 7:45 am

This is truly an Incredible Story..................................

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Most likely it wasn't the same elephant.
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Postby Walt » Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:58 am

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half hour later and a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a $2million bank account.

If a boy is born my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
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Postby Walt » Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:16 pm

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after, a highway patrolman came upon the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took his gun out and shot her, right between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said 'How are you feeling?'

Now, what the hell would you say?"
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Postby Walt » Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:03 am

Best Irish Joke of 2007
(allegedly)

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:03 pm

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No ,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blond.

'I'd like her,' he said.


'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
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Postby Walt » Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:14 pm

Scientists have reported the cause the the 5.6 earthquake that rocked Southern California this week.

It was The George Bush's Fault.
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Postby Walt » Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:08 am

Why It's Important To Understand English:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I was lucky enough to have a short line, just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .


The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'!!!.
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Postby Walt » Mon Aug 18, 2008 12:39 pm

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across
the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those
kids yours?'



He replied, 'No. I work for a
condom company. These are customer complaints.'
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Postby Walt » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:41 am

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.


Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.
'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.




For all I know you could start at any moment.




I'll have to take you in and write you up.
'




'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.





'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.





'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
'
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Postby Walt » Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:42 am

A Chinese woman gymnast fell so hard at the Beijing Olympics that she knocked out some of her baby teeth.
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Postby Walt » Mon Sep 08, 2008 2:03 pm

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.


The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"



"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
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Postby Walt » Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:51 am

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher. It said "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnny's mother took him quietly by the hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom and closed the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." He unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.

"Okay, now take off my skirt." He took off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra." He did so.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Johnny finished removing those, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"
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Postby Walt » Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:22 am

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase ?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me ?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well ?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE
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Postby Walt » Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:09 am

Nun Gets Gas

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was
returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to
the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'.
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Postby Walt » Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:20 pm

True Love

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
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