Jokes

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Postby Walt » Fri Nov 21, 2008 11:19 am

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?

Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee ………………….

The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it ?

Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll
be
right back ……………………

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the
dinner table.

And you little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good
manners ????

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment ? I have
to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to
after dinner.”

The teacher fainted …………………….
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Postby Walt » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:08 am

The TRUE ending to "The Empire Strikes Back":
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
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Postby Walt » Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:39 am

Q: How do we know that the CIA wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

A: Because he's dead!
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Postby Walt » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:41 am

Q:What do pirates fly in?
A: Aarrplanes
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Postby Walt » Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:29 am

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that
smile for the rest of the day.
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Postby Walt » Mon Dec 15, 2008 12:46 pm

Bob: What should you do if you see a nuclear attack?
Jack: If you see a nuclear explosion, you should immediately lay down.
Bob: Yeah?
Jack: Then try to cover yourself with a sheet of cloth or something.
Bob: Yeah?
Jack: Then you should start crawling slowly to the nearest cemetery.
Bob: Why do you have to crawl slowly?

Jack: Because you don't want to start a panic.
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Postby Walt » Sat Dec 20, 2008 4:10 pm

Arriving in Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:59 pm

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Southwest Airlines". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Southwest Airlines. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted…
Last edited by Walt on Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:20 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Walt » Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:54 pm

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.


The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'


'How much?' asked Grandpa.


'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.


'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'




Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.


'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:18 pm

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......."
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Postby Walt » Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:18 am

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
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Postby Walt » Mon Mar 09, 2009 11:18 pm

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.



Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story?



(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.
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Postby Paulyllama » Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:39 pm

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... ..


'Your badge...Show him your badge!'
"If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun." Dali Lama
Capt Joh Parker on Lexington Green. “Stand your ground. Don’t fire first but if they want war then let it begin here.
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Postby Walt » Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:29 am

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake,
you bastard, it's 2 am in the morning!!"
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Postby Walt » Wed Mar 25, 2009 11:51 am

really funny
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