Jokes

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Postby Walt » Wed Apr 07, 2010 10:22 pm

Dear Fire Department,

Thank you for NOT coming to my house today. I'm happy to say that it was a false alarm. You see, my husband has become a bit of an internet addict lately and what with me online (FOR WORK - I only check Twitter when my work sites are loading, geez) 18 hours a day I can hardly say anything.

Except sometimes.

This afternoon I was in my office working on my laptop when my husband came in and started doing whatever he does on the home computer. The kids were downstairs watching television and juggling knives (for all we knew.) Hours passed when the 3 year old yelled upstairs, "DADDY, SMOKE is coming out of the lights."

My husband turned to me. I looked up. "I think you have to go downstairs for that."

"Uh, yeah." he said and hurried down.

Of course, we have no idea what she was talking about because everything was fine.

Love,

Kit
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Postby Walt » Wed May 05, 2010 9:40 pm

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico ,

which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop
in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship
hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.
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Postby Walt » Fri May 21, 2010 11:37 am

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
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Postby Walt » Sat May 22, 2010 10:05 pm

The Farmers Daughter

In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call
of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most
unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice.

He went to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.

At that moment the farmer's daughter came in.

With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being
reloaded!
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Postby Walt » Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:48 am

Drinking with an Arizona Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.


When the Mexican
finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one
twice.'

The Arab, obviously
impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and
calling for a refill,
she says,
'In Arizona,
we have so many
illegal aliens that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones
twice.'

God Bless Arizona
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Postby Walt » Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:32 am

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ’ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’
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Postby Walt » Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:58 pm

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
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Postby Walt » Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:31 am

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, What the heck, I really want a drink. So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, What's the name of your penis? The guy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. The gay bartender says, I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, Hey bud, what's the name of your penis? The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, TIMEX. The guy asks, Why Timex? The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'! A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, So, what do you call your penis? The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because quality is Job 1, he then ads, Have you driven a Ford lately? Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer. The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why secret? The guy says, because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!
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Postby Walt » Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:51 am

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”


“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”


“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
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Postby Walt » Sat Oct 16, 2010 5:11 am

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner
cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up
behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
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Postby Walt » Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:45 am

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


In that instant, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


'Very well', said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Postby Walt » Sat Jan 08, 2011 6:50 am

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.



The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!' Or she's dead!!

The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Postby Walt » Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:40 am

THE NEVADA DMV After spending three and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
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Postby Walt » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:24 am

A Philosophy major asked me today..."WHY do you want fries with that?" :doh:
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Postby Walt » Sat Aug 25, 2012 1:17 pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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