Skippy’s List.

Army, Navy...whatever. Here's their own brand of humor.

Skippy’s List.

Postby Walt » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:34 pm

The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

Here's the rest of the list.
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Postby Walt » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:47 pm

Updated list for Iraq and Afghanistan
    Scorpions are not mascots
    Scorpions are also not house pets
    Wild dogs are not "man's best friend"
    It's not an acceptable form of entertainment to shut off power to the camp and see how long it takes someone to call in
    Cutting COMM's power is not justifiable retaliation for a website being blocked
    ...Even if it was a really funny website
    Not longer allowed to protest next to the runway when the SecDef comes
    ...Even if the signs are really funny
    No longer allowed to ask Army personnel very confusing questions
    An M-16 is not an action movie prop
    The power plant's fuel bladder is not a "giant waterbed"
    When asked about the location of any personnel or equipment, the proper answer is never "Dantooine... they're on Dantooine"
    No longer allowed to offroad in any areas that have not been cleared of UXOs
    No longer allowed to off road at all
    Leaving "MRE water heater bombs" outside EOD's building at 0200 when they're all sleeping is not allowed
    The control room in the power plant is not "Just like Engineering"
    No longer allowed to impersonate Scotty
    Especially when an officer calls to request mobile generator support
    Switching the "circuit open" and "circuit closed" lights on the control panel to make new plant operators think that a generator is disconnected, causing them to accidentally kill power when they try to close the breaker to "reconnect" power, is no longer allowed
    Not allowed to ask the Brits or the Aussies "So when are you guys leaving?"
    Not allowed to impersonate an Irish accent, or Lucky the Leprechaun, around Irish members of the RAF
    Not allowed to run past the RAF tents with chow-hall bowls of Lucky Charms, yelling "They're after me lucky charms!"
    Just because HQ is located in a building called "the glass house", not allowed to inform the base commander or any of his subordinates that they are not allowed to throw stones
    Not allowed to heckle "Tops in Blue", even if they really do suck
    Not allowed to tell gate guards "You don't need to see my identification"
    Not allowed to pick up scrap metal in the junkyard and show my supervisor, saying "look sir, droids!"
    Not allowed to ask supervisor if I can borrow the tug and "drive in Toschi Station to pick up some power converters"
    ...Even if I really am going to pick up power converters, the Services tent is not Toschi Station
    No longer allowed to give Star Wars names to locations on base
    ...Or Star Trek names
    ...Or Dune name
    ...Or names from any science fiction or fantasy work
    Not allowed to put fins on PVC pipe and stick it into the ground next to HQ and call it in as a UXO
    Not allowed to point old Iraqi AA guns at arriving aircraft
    ...even if they are already on the ground
    ...especially if it's a VIP aircraft
    ...doubly especially if it's the SecDef stopping by again
    Not allowed to tell visiting media that if they really want to see how things are over here, they're welcome to go outside the wire
    No taunting the Iraqi guards at the airport
    No mooning the control tower either
    No longer allowed to stop by the CIA compound and ask what they're up to
    ...or ask them where bin Laden really is
    No longer allowed to tell new arrivals that I saw Saddam Hussein in prison orange eating in the chow hall, because I didn't
    Not allowed to picket the chow hall
    ...or the BX
    It's usually in bad taste to tell BX employees that you could get something much cheaper on the internet, or to remark loudly that Amazon has a much better selection, even if it's true
    No longer allowed to befriend wild animals
    ...yes, even the kittens
    No longer allowed to feed the rat that lives under the power plant
    If I couldn't catch the gecko the first time, I'm not going to catch it the next fifty times I try
    If I do catch the gecko, not allowed to keep it as a pet
    Not allowed to heckle VIPs at their speeches
    ...including the SecDef
    ...and the chaplain
    Not allowed to hold Pagan Rites on base without first obtaining permission and filling out the requisite forms
    Not allowed to call burn barrel fires a Pagan rite
    Not allowed to sacrifice anything to the sun god
    Sandstorms are not caused by angry djinn
    My tent is not the Love Shack
    The female tents are also not Love Shacks
    The Laundry tent is not the Love Shack, despite appearances to the contrary
    Not allowed to go into the base library and take all the Bibles and put them in the science fiction section
    Not allowed to put books by Ron L Hubbard in the religious section
    Not allowed to surround the power plant with a minefield for security purposes
    Not allowed to call the Supply Tent "Costco" or "Wal-Mart"
    Not allowed to lock the bathrooms
    Not allowed to use camel spiders to scare people
    Not allowed to call a camel spider "My magical talking companion"
    Not allowed to get a Kiss Army patch on my DCUs
    Not allowed to instruct the barbers to give me a Mohawk
    Not allowed to try to wear my boonie cap backwards
    Not allowed to try to trade my M-16 to Global Security contractors for an AK-47 and a case of beer
    Not allowed to try to ferment grapes from the chow hall to make moonshine or hooch
    Not allowed to use MEP-12 prime power plant generators as a still
    Not allowed to shoot the radio and yell to my supervisor that "we're gonna have company" when somebody calls asking why the power is out
    ...even if it was a boring conversation anyway
    ...especially if it's the commander
    Not allowed to make special requests at the chow hall
    ...like for filet mignon
    ...or "anything not fried"
    ...or "something that doesn't suck"
    Not allowed to demand a refund for chow hall food
    Not allowed to sing showtunes over the CE radio net
    Not allowed to sing anything over any net
    Not allowed to sing in public at all
    ...or in private
    Not allowed to play the cat game (from Super Troopers) with anyone who needs a generator
    ...even if "Meow long will you need this generator for?" is funny
    Not allowed to operate a pirate radio station from "deep inside a secret bunker"
    Not allowed to scare new arrivals with stories of a network of secret insurgent tunnels running under the base
    Not allowed to practice law without credentials
    Not allowed to dance with the broom while doing shop clean-up
    Not allowed to pressure wash the inside of the boss's office
    ...even if it is dirty in there
    Not allowed to drive in and out of Security Forces checkpoints repeatedly just because the gate guard on duty is hot
    Not allowed to drag race anywhere on base
    ...especially "highway 1"
    Not allowed to play "chicken" with armored vehicles
    Not allowed to use the loudspeakers to play protest songs
    May no longer insist on carrying a stuffed animal everywhere and asking it before I do anything
    Not allowed to name wild animals
    ...or to force others to use those names
    Not allowed to drop something heavy on the roof of the control room and tell the people inside that a mortar just bounced off
    It's not my job to point out holes in base security
    ...even if they are pretty big
    Not allowed to yell "Bring it on" at the civilian side of the airport
    Not allowed to "punk" anyone
    ...especially officers
    Not allowed to ask civilian contractors how much more they're getting paid
    The commander's office is not a HazMat storage area for waste oil
    ...with or without the barrels
    Not allowed to go to the supply tent for the sole purpose of flirting with the clerks
    Not allowed to requisition "Maxim" or "Stuff" for "research purposes"
    Not allowed to customize my M-16
    ...that includes engraving my name on it or stealing scopes and laser sights from the cops
    Pellet guns are not authorized on military installations for my own safety and I will remember that
    Not allowed to sell bootleg movies from my tent
    Not allowed to administer "A good death" to an ailing generator, with an RPG-7
    Not allowed to yell "game over man, game over!" during outages
    Not allowed to shut off fuel and see how long it takes the generators to shut down
    ...especially if I'm taking bets
    Not allowed to take bets on anything
    Not allowed to speak in tongues
    I am not a faith healer
    A speedo and a wifebeater is not "Conservative PT gear"



Update [2005-8-9 9:34:29 by jabbausaf]:
126. Sock puppets are not in my chain of command.
127. Magic 8 Ball is not in my chain of command.
128. I do not "got the touch" or "the power"
129. ...even if I do light the darkest hours.
130. May not use interpretive dance to criticize command decisions.
131. The making of near-beer bongs is strongly discouraged.
132. I am not "Lord of the Sand Flies".
133. No longer allowed to burn superior officers in effigy
134. Med clinic personnel will no longer be referred to as "Dr Feelgood"
135. The Med clinic will no longer be referred to as "The Happy-pill Emporium"[/list]
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Walt
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Postby Walt » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:52 pm

Have you seen Skippy's List on the internet? I here by start Chippie's List. Feel free to add to the list but don't make shit up. You won't have to. List is restricted to Hahn AB.

Yes...we got away with this shit...mostly with a couple of Article 15's or Letters of Reprimands.
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