An Air Force Chicken Crosses the Road

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An Air Force Chicken Crosses the Road

Postby Walt » Sun Aug 24, 2008 10:03 pm

Air Education and Training Command:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to enemy fire.. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG's, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Combat Command:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Tanker Airlift Control Center:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Command Post:
What chicken?

Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HACKRR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Base Ops:
The Chicken needs to file a Road Crossing Plan (RCP) prior to attempting to cross.

C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let's go.

C-17 crewmember:
I ordered a no. 4 with Turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!!

Fighter dude:
The Chicken was only in the road for 30 seconds. There was no hazard. I saw my shot and I took it.

Navigator Dude:
What road?

B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

Air National Guard:
Due to a BRAC closure the Chicken was forced to cross the road. The Chicken is authorized full Per Deum and Travel Expenses while crossing the road. Upon crossing, the Chicken will be assigned to the Turkey Wing and assist them with preparations for their upcoming Operation Thanksgiving deployment.

Air Force Reserve:
Due to Mission Requirements, the Chicken’s stay on the Road will be involuntarily extended for 180 days

Congress:
We voted for the chicken to go onto the road. We support the Chicken while it’s in the road. We want a definite time and date that the Chicken will be off the road.

Air Demonstration Squadron:
The Chicken crosses the road, maintaining minimum separation with five other chickens, while a groovy soundtrack plays in the background.

Operational Test and Evaluation Squadron:
The chicken first crosses the road normally. Then crosses back while hopping on its left foot. Then it crosses a third time, but this time hopping on it's right foot. Then entire procedure is repeated at night.

Aggressor Squadron:
Four chickens disguised as ducks hide beside the road and pounce on any chicken they see crossing the road.

HH-60 Blackhawk:
The Chicken rises vertically at the side of the Road. Establishes a hover and then proceeds to the middle of the Road. The Chicken lands in the middle of the Road for ice cream and "leak check". The Chicken then climbs out and proceeds to the other side of the Road.

Ammo:
If you ain't a chicken you ain't $hit!!


MPF:
The chicken will not be able to cross the road from 1100 to 1330 for an official function


Maintenance:
It takes a college education to break a chicken but only a high school one to fix it


MOCC:
Attention all radios this net. This is the MOCC with a chicken road crossing announcement. The chicken will be crossing the road from Lima row to taxi way 5. All vehicles yield to the chicken. All radios please respond. MOCC out.


Security Forces:
Cordon off 3 miles of road and dispatch a unit to escort chicken across road at designated road crossing. Ensure chicken observes all traffic regulations and road signs. Ticket chicken in the event of any violations or as required to meet monthly quota. If chicken crosses road into restricted area jack chicken immediately.


Life Support:
Carrying bags of pi$$ out to the dumpster wasn't bad enough...now we're taking out chicken$hit too!
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Walt
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Postby Walt » Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:06 pm

C-5:
Chicken tried to cross road, but broke on a road that pays high per diem rate. Chicken will not cross road for another 2 weeks.


USAFA cheating scandal:
Cadet chicken does not cross the road but claims that she did.

Don't ask, don't tell:
Some difficulty determining whether a chicken or a rooster is crossing the road.

Female fighter pilots:
"Eat more chikin"

UCAV:
Chicken remotely operates “Un-chickened Crossing Assessment Vehicle” which performs actual road crossing. Chicken still gets ”road crossing pay” and makes required gates.

Chicken AFCOS mandates that we can no longer used the term UCAV. Now redesignated NPCAV.

NPCAV: Non-Poultry Combat Aerial Vehicle.

ORI Inspector Chicken:
Chicken failed at its assigned task. While the task was performed correctly with the end result of the evaluated chicken on the other side of the road. The chicken did not wear a reflective belt during the task: resulting in an UnSatisfactory final rating.


SecDef Chicken:
I have relieved the Chief of Staff of the Chickens because the Chicken force accidentally let a chicken cross the road carrying radiated eggs and was working on advanced and expensive programs that have no bearing on current task of just walking across the road. The Chicken force in general has concentrated to much on flying across the road undetected and other programs to counter enemy capabilities not expected for another 10 years.

Rooster Pilot Chicken:
Numerous Roosters are very disappointed in their prospects for crossing the road. Numerous studies and recent road crossing experience have shown that hens and alarm clocks perform the rooster functions just as well and are much less expensive.
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