Military Jokes

Army, Navy...whatever. Here's their own brand of humor.

Military Jokes

Postby Walt » Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:25 am

Secure the Building

Secretary of Defense called together a panel of four eager O-3's from
the Navy, Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force. He asks each of them to jot
down the necessary steps to accomplish a simple mission.
On the board he writes four words: Mission - Secure the Building.

Eager to demonstrate their budding leadership, the young officers
hurriedly compose a list of necessary steps to fulfill the SECDEF's
assignment.

The Navy Lieutenant carefully writes in his green note book.
Instruct the Master Chief to have men:
a) Unplug the coffeepots.
b) Turn off all computers.
c) Empty trash.
d) Turn off all lights.
e) Lock all doors on the way out.


The Army Captain prints in his cammy clad day timer.
1. Assemble the company.
2. Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard.
3. Take control of all exits.
4. Make sure no one gets into the building without a proper
identification.


The Marine Corps Captain writes on palm of her hand.
q Assemble platoon and supplies.
q Approach building along three axes.
q Bring building under mortar / SAW fire.
q Assault building under covering fire.
q Sequester surviving prisoners.
a Establish lanes of fire.
a Prepare artillery calls.
a Repel counterattacks.

The Air Force Captain jots on his PDA.
1. Contact real estate agent.
2. Negotiate best one year lease.
3. Suggest option to buy.
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Postby Walt » Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:49 am

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:00 pm

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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:12 pm

Q: Why are Marines like bananas?
A: They both start out green, then turn yellow and die in bunches in the jungle,

Q: What's the difference between the AirForce and the Boy Scouts.
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision and do not allow homosexuals to join.

Q:What are Marines?
A: Security Guards for the NAVY.

A general and a captain walking down the street passed a number of GIs, and each time one of them saluted the officers, the captain saluted back and said, "The same to you." "Why do you always say that?" the general asked the captain. "I used to be a private, too." said the captain," and I know just what they are thinking.

A Lieutenant, a Major, and a Colonel were dining with the General in his quarters one evening. The conversation turned to sex and the Lieutenant stated that making love to your wife is 10% work and 90% fun.

The Major disagreed and stated that he believed making love to your wife is 40% work and 60% fun.

The Colonel then stated that they were both wrong and that the ratio is 80% work and 20% fun.

They decided to put the matter to a young Sergeant. "Well, Sir," he began, "I think you are all dead wrong. It must be 100% fun." "Why do you say that?", asked the General. "Because," answered the young sergeant, "if it involved any work at all, you'd assign an enlisted person to do it for you."
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:13 pm

Rules for Gun Fighting


U.S. Marine Corp Rules for Gun Fighting:

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect Your Ass.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone and everything you meet and see.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4"



Navy Rules to Gun Fighting:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Send in the Marines.

3. Drink Coffee.

4. Play with your Inflatable Doll.



Army Rules to Gun Fighting:

1. Send in the Marines.

2. Go Back to Sleep.

3. Wake up and have a Cup of Coffee.

4. Tell the General the Enemy Retreated and Couldn't be Found.



Air Force Rules to Gun Fighting:

1. Blow the shit out of everything on the ground.

2. Send in the Marines to kill what’s left.

3. Have a Cup of Coffee and wait for the Marine Recon Report.

4. Take ALL the Credit.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:18 pm

Army Roll Call


It was early morning at an Army camp and the newly minted Second Lieutenant was calling out names for the daily roll call listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"
"Here!"

"Jenson"
"Here!"

"Jones"
"Here!"

"Magersky"
"Here!"

"Seeback"
" -- "

"Seeback!"
" -- "

"SEEBACK!!!"
" -- "

At that point, someone whispered into the LT's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:20 pm

From the German Army Hand-Book:

The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his sergeant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:21 pm

Dear Abby,

I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?

Sign Dilemma
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:23 pm

Q:What's the difference between soap on a rope and Naval Issue soap on a rope.
A: Naval Issue has a rope of 6 feet in length so you can go fishing in the shower.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:24 pm

After losing an eye while fighting in the British army during World War II, Moshe Dayan wore a distinctive eye patch. One day, he was stopped for speeding by a military policeman. "I have only one eye," Dayan protested. "What do you want me to watch - the speedometer or the road!"
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:26 pm

The military has many unique ways of looking at problems. Many times, even though the personalities traits may be identical, they are always relative, by rank. The system seems to handle each one differently. However, the lower in rank you are, the clearer the problem becomes.

BAD ATTITUDE
THE COLONEL - Has his own way of doing things
THE CAPTAIN - Has initiative
THE SERGEANT - Often follows his own course
THE CORPORAL - Is a discipline problem and never follows orders

UNKEMPT APPEARANCE
THE COLONEL - Sets a different standard
THE CAPTAIN - Requires improvement in dress and deportment
THE SERGEANT - Is untidy
THE CORPORAL - Is a scruffy bastard

STRANGE DEMEANOR
THE COLONEL - Has a unique perspective
THE CAPTAIN - Is known to be eccentric
THE SERGEANT - Tends to be slightly off track
THE CORPORAL - Is a bloody flake

LOW INTELLIGENCE
THE COLONEL - Possess a different way of thinking
THE CAPTAIN - Has problems with some concepts
THE SERGEANT - Is a slow learner
THE CORPORAL - Has the I.Q. of a garden slug

DOMESTIC SITUATION
THE COLONEL - Interacts well socially with the fairer gender
THE CAPTAIN - Has many female friends
THE SERGEANT - Has been seen in the company of other women
THE CORPORAL - Screws around on his wife

SEXUAL ORIENTATION
THE COLONEL - Loves his men
THE CAPTAIN - Has an alternative lifestyle
THE SERGEANT - Has feminine qualities
THE CORPORAL - Is a screaming, prancing fag

SUITABLE PUNISHMENT
THE COLONEL - A slight reprimand may be necessary if this happens again
THE CAPTAIN - Requires disciplinary action
THE SERGEANT - Should be punished
THE CORPORAL - Should be thrown in a hole and buried alive

AWOL
THE COLONEL - Has taken an extended leave period
THE CAPTAIN - Is on personal administration
THE SERGEANT - Is not at work today
THE CORPORAL - AWOL

RANK IS FILLED BY A WOMAN
THE COLONEL - Has worked hard and made her "sisters" proud
THE CAPTAIN - Can do the same work as any man at her rank
THE SERGEANT - Does well against the challenges her gender must face
THE CORPORAL - Is probably a dyke
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:31 pm

Announcement of the statistics on the highest adultery level:
- The first place is held by the Air Force
- The second are U.S. Marines!
- In third place is the Navy!
- In Last Place is the U.S. Army!


Someone shouts out:
- What??? I've been in the Navy for thirty years and I have never ever cheated on my wife!
Someone else shouts him back:
- It's because of dickheads like you we are only third!
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:37 pm

AT LACKLAND AIR FORCE BASE in Texas, we trainees were required to say "sir" before and after speaking to an instructor. Serving guard duty one night, one buddy had a hard time grasping the concept. A drill instructor approached him and asked how duty was going. "Everything is fine, sir!" he answered.

"Airman!" the DI barked. "The first thing out of your mouth should be 'sir,' and the last thing out of your mouth should be 'sir.' Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir!" the trainee blurted out.

"This is your last chance!" screamed the DI. "Now, what is the first word to come out of your mouth?"

"Sir, SIR, sir!" the airman shouted.
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:39 pm

It Has Always Been Like This

A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick up one from a dead soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
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Postby Walt » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:51 pm

Image


The F-35 joint strike fighter will be used by all the services. However each branch will be able to have it's own nick name.

The Air Force will call it the "Lightening II".

The NAVY will call it the "Super Cat".

The Marines will call it the "Up and Down Flying Thingy".
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