Jokes

[Walt]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Walt]

Good News and Bad News
A woman is terribly injured in a car wreck. Her husband races to the hospital and waits for her to come out of surgery. He has sat in the waiting room for three hours when the surgeon enters the room.

The husband jumps from his seat and says, Is she going to make it Doc?"

"I've got good news and bad news.", replies the Doctor.

"Well you better give me the bad news first", says the man.

"All right", the Doctor continues. "She has lost both of her arms and both legs. She will have to fed through a tube and probably never come out of the coma."

"My God!", says the man in a hushed voice. With hope rising in his breast he says, "But you said there was good news Doc. What is it?"

The Doctor replies, "Just kidding, she's dead."

[Walt]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights.
I was not really paying attention. Anyway the fella who was driving got out.
And he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!
I said "Well which one are you then "

[Idlehands]

I go into the local Wal-Mart to purchase a large bag of puppy food. I get in line for the cashier, and a woman behind me asks me if I have a dog. Thinking quickly, I tell her "No I don't have a dog, I'm on the Purina diet, I've been on it for a while but had to stop while I was in the hospital. What you do is, fill your pockets with the puppy food, and when you get hungry you eat a small handful of food." She then asked me if I'd been in the hospital because the food had made me sick. I told her"No, I was in the street licking myself when I was hit by a car"!

[Walt]

During a trial in a small town in a southern state of U.S., a prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a
very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she
knows me, I can guarantee you spending the rest of your life behind
bars for contempt!!"

[Walt]

There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children. He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.

He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.

Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."

[Walt]

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

[Walt]

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your Dad."

[Walt]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[Walt]

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[Walt]

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky

hands, you'll remember this story:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the

front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on

her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to

the counter.



Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for

support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo

youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss? '

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,

replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry

many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu

ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong

aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk.aaand

rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we

do.'

She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww

hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuno ooffabbitch

offffff?

[Walt]

Dr Bob
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it".
"You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering:......

"Bob...........






"You're a vet".

[Walt]

The Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[Walt]

The Noisy Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[Human]

Pretty Funny