Jokes

[Human]

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

[Walt]

Crime Fighters


The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[Walt]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading
her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever
more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."

[Walt]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these
four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Walt]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the Bed,the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets Up and goes into the bathroom. While
he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy
is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't Resist, don't complain.....do whatever
he tells you.
Satisfy him No matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very Dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey.
I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering In my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and
asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong. I love you too!"

[Walt]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny
makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything
all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

[Walt]

Doing the Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Walt]

A rather cocky F.B.I. agent stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in Iowa .

He told the farmer, 'I need to search your farm.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'

The F.B.I. agent said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH. No questions asked or answered! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the F.B.I. agent running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the F.B.I. agent with every step.

The agent was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out,

'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge.....

[Walt]

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you shag me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top. I like this!

[Walt]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!!"

[Walt]

Modern Version of the Birds and Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "How was I born?"

His Father answers:

"Well son, I guess you're old enough to know."

"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. We emailed for a while and then had a date at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a private room , where your Mother agreed to accept a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we realized that neither one of us had a firewall. It was too late to hit the delete button. So nine months later we got a pop-up that said:

You've got Male."

[Walt]

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I
had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it
has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie
Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest
questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. "Very
well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the
sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
up the aisle and sat d own right in front of the priest. Her dress was
green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny, emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie
Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

[Walt]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'

Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is
worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own
those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give
it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth
every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is
$1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big
boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino
outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent
of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and
says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed
than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,



'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want
to show yo u something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is
laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a
pussy.'

[Walt]

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

[Walt]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'