Maddog's Aviation Humor Page

Here is a collection of jokes and funny stories about the wonderful world of flying. Enjoy. --Maddog

Crazy Aviation Pictures here.


F-16 Bumper Stickers

Fifty Bucks

Bill an old Nam chopper pilot, and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know... Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Heard on the Radio
FAA CONTROLLER: American 1765 turn to heading 310. Expedite.
AMERICAN 1765: Turning to heading 310. We're Balls to the Wall.
FAA CONTROLLER: United Heavy 216 descend to 15,000 AGL. Expedite.
UNITED HEAVY 216: (Female pilot) Descending to 15, 000 AGL. We're wide open.

Little Fokker
I landed a Cessna Citation at Chicago's Midway Airport not long ago. Upon contacting Midway Ground the following transmission occurred:
Us: "MDW Ground, Citation XXX, with you off of 31R for Atlantic."
Ground: "Citation XXX, cross the 31 runways and taxi to Atlantic behind the Fokker on Foxtrot."
Us (my copilot): "We've got the little Fokker in sight. We'll be dancin' the foxtrot over to Atlantic, Citation XXX."

ATC: N123, have you captured the localizer?
N123: Negative..... but we have it surrounded!

After pulling back from the gate on a Southwest flight the plane taxied for what seemed like forever, never seeming to get to the runway. Finally a flight attendant comes on the PA and announces, "You all may be wondering why your tickets were so cheap? It's because we're driving you to Phoenix!"

DL Captain: "This is Delta 1123, request to land runway 13."
ATC Controller: "DL1123, cleared to land runway 13, follow the virgin on final."
DL Captain: "WOO HOO! Not for long!"

Funny Quotes about Airplanes and Aircraft

"Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?" - William Pickering, Astronomer (1908)

"Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!" - Scientific American (1910)

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." - Orville Wright.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marshal Ferdinand Foch [Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre] (circa 1911) He was Supreme Commander of Allied forces, 1918

"Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!" - Marshal Ferdinand Foch

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes." - Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)


Well aware that the Lockheed aircraft plant in Burbank, just blocks from his studio, was certain to be a high-value target, [Jack Warner] was horrified one day to have someone point out that, from the air, a Japanese bomber might not be able to tell the difference. Warner promptly visited the studio’s paint shop and ordered the erection of an enormous sign on the roof of one of the Warner sound stages. The result? A twenty-foot arrow pointing to Burbank, along with the words: LOCKHEED - THAT-A-WAY!
True Story
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


I told Southwest I wanted to check my bag. They said I had to sit next to her.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."
NEW YORK | When the judge overseeing Delta Air Lines Inc.'s bankruptcy asked in court recently whether the front or rear wheels touch ground first when planes land, a voice at the back of the courtroom answered with the question: Air Force or Navy?
The Four things a Wingman is authorized to say are:
1. "Two".
2. "Two is BINGO fuel."
3. "Lead is on fire."
4. "I'll take the fat one".

The Four things an Assistant Crew Chief is authorized to say are:
1. "I already fixed that."
2. "I'll stay late."
3. "I'm going for beer."
4. "I'll take the fat one."


"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher


Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.

� welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain.


You've got to land here son, this is where the food is.

� Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing.


Throttle back son, you're not going to make the boat go any faster.

Air Bosses on aircraft carriers to flight students on initial carrier qualifications who stay at maximum power after they have been jerked to a stop by the arresting gear.


"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop


"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal


"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

- U.S. Air Force Manual


"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan


"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)


"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."


"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

- From an old carrier sailor


"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."


"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."


"Never trade luck for skill."


"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."


Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."


"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."


"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"


"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."


"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."


"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."


Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."


"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut


"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)


"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."


"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,1970


"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."


"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot


Peek-a-boo
In the 1990s, a new technology displayed on the cockpit radar screen was introduced. It enabled pilots to identify conflicting air traffic. Initially, there were few planes with the Traffic Advisory and Collision Avoidance System (TCAS). Being a pilot and not having the TCAS equipment, I felt that pilots with TCAS were using it as an opportunity to proudly inform everyone on the common radio frequency of their new technology. One day while flying I received a call from the Air Traffic Controller advising me of conflicting traffic. My response was, "I have the conflicting traffic on my POW." Everyone on the frequency heard this and soon one of the pilots asked, "I have heard of TCAS but have never heard of the POW. What is this new equipment?" My response was "It's much superior to TCAS, POW stands for, "Peeking Out Window".
Flight Attendants

Q: What is the difference between a FA and a jet engine?
A: The engine stops whining at the gate.

Q: What does a retired FA do when she is nostalgic for her job?
A: She stands in front of the bathroom sink and eats.

Q: How do you get a FA into your hotel room?
A: Make a sound like an ice machine.

Q: What's the difference between a good FA and a great FA ?
A: The good FA says, "Morning, Captain", and the great FA says, "It's morning Captain!"

Q: What's the difference between an airbag and a windbag?
A: Seniority.


True Story

A U.S. Army Kiowa Scout helicopter was badly shot up one night in Afghanistan. The only things left working were the engine and the radio.
The following radio exchange took place:
Kiowa: Kandahar tower am I declaring an emergency.
Kandahar Tower: Aircraft declaring an emergency, please turn on your position lights.
Kiowa: I can't do that.
Kandahar Tower: How can I tell which one of you has the emergency if you won't turn on your lights?
Kiowa: I'm the one on fire.


Real Cabin Safety Briefing


True pilot story
"The C-119 (flying boxcar) flown in the Korean Conflict had more than one problem. A serious one was its tendency to reach takeoff speed then lose some power. If you were not aware of this and attempted to take off at proper speed instead of waiting another couple of seconds for proper power you could have a problem. This morning the newly-assigned co-pilot was paired with a hard-nosed Major. The co-pilot was nervous and it showed in his actions. As they approached and gained take off speed, the Major decided to soften his image as difficult and turned to the new co-pilot and quipped 'cheer up.' The co-pilot executed the 'gear up' maneuver just as the power drop occurred. The plane came back to the runway without landing gear. No one was injured. No blame was placed for the incident."
Q: What do you get when a F-15 loses an engine?
A: A F-16 with a better radar.

NEWS FLASH!

North Carolina's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Duke students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.


An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."


Speed Check

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"


Baggage Handling

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and pulls the handles off is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it by hand!"


Racism Backfires

The following scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter", the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I refuse to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me another seat." "Madam, please be calm please", the hostess replied. "Almost all the seats on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. How ever, we do have one seat in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting. " She turned to the black man and said: "Therefore, Sir, if you would please take your hand luggage I'll show you to your seat in first class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who were shocked by what they had witnessed, stood up and applauded.

This is a true story which is not usually told. If you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends.



We swear this is true!!

Check THIS out - wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants. In his own words....

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast.If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."



George Carlin on Airport Security

Gear Pins

While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply.

They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio."

The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?"


Female Voice ....."United 454 is with you for the ILS approach to 36 Right"
Unidentified Deep Male Voice ..... "There goes another empty Kitchen"
Female voice....."There goes another empty garage."


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


Uncle Bob Gets Shot Down

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!


The Landing Strip

A young wife shaved her bikini area into a neat strip of hair and presented her work to her husband, the pilot.

"Wow!" he said. "What do you call that?" He asked.

"The landing strip", she coyly replied.

The next night, she applied glitter makeup to "The Landing Strip". Once again she proudly displyed her work to her husband.

"Now what's that you've done there?", he asked.

"They're runway lights for night landings." She replied.


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." AirTraffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine Approach."

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC 10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal..."


An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard on a certain flight. The airline had a policy, which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" "


Woman Captain

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "in fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."


Fun with USAFA Cadets

We had USAFA cadets spend their summers with us in Germany every one and then. Had a set during an excerise and the cadet with me asked "How heavy are the doors to your aircraft shelter?" "About ten tons a piece.", I replied. While closing them, he asked, "How do you open them in a scamble?"

I said, "You see those big bolts on the hinges?" They were about six inches across the head.

"Yeah", he said.

I said, "They're explosive. We just blow the doors off on the launch."

"I knew they had stuff like this.", he said.

A couple of hours later, one of the pilots came out for a sortie and said, "Stop fucking around with the cadets, Walt."


Pilot Recruitment

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F- 15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"


C-141 Problems

While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"

The pilot confirmed that it was.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. " I'm going to get help."



Real SR-71 Transmission (FL600=60,000ft)

Pilot: XX center, YY is requesting FL600.

ATC: Ok YY, it's clear. (Laughing) Climb and maintain FL600, if you can.

P: Roger, descending to FL600.


Time Zones
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, " Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."


Baby Planes
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have >baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you."


Speedbird 206
Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt.
Speedbird 206 clear to active."
Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."


Angry Passenger
During the day at Denver's airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "FUCK YOU!!." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.


Night Landing
An Air Force aircraft was attempting a night landing at an auxillary field.
Pilot: "Requesting landing instruction."
Controller: "Aircraft requesting landing instruction, say again call-sign."
Pilot: "Guess who?"

At this time the airfield runway lights turn off.

Controller: "Guess where."


Stupid Question
Our maintenance flight at George AFB had a few F-4C crew chiefs that were civilian pilots. Sgt Lillie was in fact rated as an instructor. One day the aircrew came out to fly.
Pilot: "So chief, how's the jet fly?"
Sgt Lillie: "You get the groundspeed up and pull the stick back. Someone should've mentioned that to you by now, sir."


Hot Mike
On an airliner (the airline should not be mentioned), the pilot turned to the copilot and said, "Right now I could really go for a cup of coffee and a blow job."
In the back galley, the head flight attendant was shocked to here this comment come over the cabin PA.
As she ran to the cockpit to tell the pilot he had a hot mike a passenger was overheard to say:
"Have some dignity Dearie. Don't run to him, walk."


Good knowledge of radio procedure..
Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarran International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either


Leak Check
I was dumping the lavatory waste on a 757. It tends to be a messy job and the waste, colored blue by the disinfectant tends to run down the belly of the aircraft.
While doing his walk around, the pilot scoops some up on his finger and does the "Taste Test".
He turns to me and asks, "Is the aircraft leaking hydraulic fluid?"
Choking back laughter and nausea, I replied "No". and without another word he continued on his inspection.


Landing Announcement
On behalf on the crew we'd like to thank you for flying XYZ Airline and we apologize for that rough landing. Please remain seated while the Captain taxies what's left of the aircraft to the gate.




Airline Names
Many people don't know why airlines are named what they are. Here are some examples:
TWA: Travel with Arabs
DELTA: Don't even let them aboard.
DELTA: Doesn't ever leave the airport.
RENO AIR: Rarely early, never on time. Always in Repair
ATA: Alcoholics Transporting Alcoholics
QANTAS: Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
QANTAS: Queers and Nancy Types as Stewards.
LUFTHANSA: Let Us Fuck The Horses, As No Stewardesses Available
BOAC: Bloody Old and Careless
JAL: Japan Arrives Late (Like Dec 7, 1941)
PSA: Probably will Stay Airborne.

Here's a few short ones
Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"
Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"



ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD what are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

(Heard on the radio - Really )
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

UPT
A 2nd LT. student pilot was out to do his first solo night mission in a T-38A. He was calm, cool and collected as we did the walk around and I buckled him in.
"I'll take my helmet now chief.� he says. "I don't have your helmet, sir.� I reply.
Losing all composure he frantically looks around the cockpit and says, "Let me out, I'll be right back!"

More Radio Chatter
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Aircraft: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

ATIS Recording: "...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf."


Coincidentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was;
Me: "Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern." [delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]
Tower: "Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer."
Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.



Message For You Sir..
Supposedly Heard On The Air (said with a slow, Eton type accent)...
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre, go ahead
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723 has a message for you
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre is ready to copy message
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, message is as follows: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday ....

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

Army Training, Sir

Huey Cobra practicing auto rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"



English Please
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and Yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Watch for Traffic
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well, . I've got something down there, but ... I can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

True Story.

During joint exercise in Germany an USAF and German F-4 are practicing low-level in Southern Germany near the Swiss Border. As they approach the border they hear a call on Guard "Unidentified aircraft nearing Swiss border, identify yourself". Both pilots maintain radio silence and do not answer. The Swiss repeat the transmission twice without success. The next transmission reads: "Unidentified aircraft, identify yourself or we will send our interceptors". After which the German pilot replies: "Will you send one or both of them"



I Want to be a Fighter Pilot

To LtCol Ventura, Sir I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my life. What could I do to get in the academy? Sincerely, DJ Baker

-----End of Original Message-----

Subject: FW: Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace? From: Lt Col Ventura Dear DJ, Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative. What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing - the venerable, workhorse C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at. Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel-when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the culture enough to give any local population a bad taste in their mouths, not something those strat-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms! As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these. Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to facilitate the calculation of per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce! Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture. A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall, right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection. Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice. Good luck and see you on the SKE scope! Maj. Lowenfast


Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the Lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Apparently a true story.




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